got the money anyway
(a comic piece for the cctv spring festival gala 2009)
play script by cui kai et al.

characters
uncle zhao, acted by zhao benshan
shenyang, acted by shen he
cctv man, acted by bi fujian
yadar, acted by wang jinfeng (mao mao)

小品：“不差钱”
（2009年中央电视台春节联欢晚会节目）
编创者  崔凯 等
表演者  赵本山、沈鹤、毕福剑、王金凤（毛毛）

（舞台上是一个餐厅的背景，写着：“苏格兰情调”。本山大叔穿着中山装，身上背着一串蒜头，手上拿着野鸡，拉着毛毛上场。）
(this short play is set in a restaurant named "scottish taste / feel." uncle zhao, in his customary chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter yadar in tow.)

赵本山：到了。
毛毛：  到了。
赵本山：这就是铁岭最贵的一家饭店。这不，苏格兰调情（tiáo qíng）。
毛毛：  爷爷，你念反了，苏格兰情调（qíng diào）。
赵本山：啊，情调？就搁这儿吃。
毛毛：  爷爷，这家老贵的啦。
赵本山：贵？咱带钱了，带三万多块，那包呢？
毛毛：  我没拿包啊。
赵本山：装钱那包，黄包。
毛毛：  完了，让我落炕上了。
赵本山：我说，你这孩子还能办点事吗？！这给你办事，落炕上了还。兜里还有钱吗？
毛毛：  兜里，多少钱哪才？才70多块钱。
赵本山：我还有400。行，够了。
毛毛：  这也不能够啊。
赵本山：哎呀，够不够就这样了。服务员！

uncle zhao  here we are.
yadar       here we are.
uncle zhao  it's the most pricy eatin' spot in tieling: "scottish tease / fool."
yadar       you got it wrong - scottish taste / feel, not tease / fool.
uncle zhao  all right, taste / feel. we're gonna have our meal here anyway.
yadar       but it's very expensive.
uncle zhao  so whut? we've got the money, 30,000 yuan. where's the bag?
yadar       what bag?
uncle zhao  the yellow one with the money in it.
yadar       oh no, i left it on the brick bed.
uncle zhao  so whut can you do at all? i'm goin' t'rough all this for you and you had the nerve to forget the bag on the bed! any money left on you?
yadar      let me see... (fumbling) only 70-plus yuan.
uncle zhao  here's 400 more.
yadar       still not enough.
uncle zhao  no matter. waiter!

（小沈阳上）
小沈阳：对不起大爷，我们这是高档酒店，不收农副产品。
赵本山：不是，我们是吃饭的。
小沈阳：妈呀，吃饭的？
赵本山：不像啊？
小沈阳：不太像。
赵本山：我说姑娘啊，这顿饭非常重要。
小沈阳：妈呀，你管谁叫姑娘呢，人家是纯爷们。
赵本山：咋这么个打扮，还穿个裙子呢。
小沈阳：这是按我们苏格兰风格来包装的。再说也不是裙子啊，这不七分裤吗。你看，是有腿的哦。妈呀，着急穿跑偏了。妈呀，我说走道咋没有裆呢。
赵本山：行了，那条腿留明儿个穿，哈哈哈。小伙子我跟你说呀，今天我要请一位重要客人吃饭，你一定要招待好。
小沈阳：呃，没问题。
赵本山：来来来，我问问你，你们这个酒店，如果要急头白脸吃一顿，得多少钱？
小沈阳：咋还吃急眼了呢？
赵本山：我意思就是，最贵的都点上。
小沈阳：得一、两万的。
赵本山：一、两万？啊，那啥，有没有这种情况，今儿个吃完了，明儿个来结账？

(shenyang, the waiter, enters.)
shenyang   sorry, sir. we're of high class here. we don't take on stuff from street peddlers.
uncle zhao  we're your customers. don't we look like it?
shenyang   not quite.
uncle zhao  we're gonna have an important meal here, miss.
shenyang   don't you call me a miss. i'm a man - from the inside out.
uncle zhao  then how c'me you wearin' a skirt?
shenyang   why, it's men's wear in scottish style. see, it's no skirt but capri pants. look at this, look. oh, damn it, i didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry. no wonder i feel different while walking.
uncle zhao  leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! i tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute. you should do you' best.
shenyang    no problem.
uncle zhao  how much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?
shenyang    why so / what's wrong?
uncle zhao  i mean if we order nothin' but the best.
shenyang   about 10,000 to 20,000.
uncle zhao  whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow?

小沈阳：打白条儿啊？
赵本山：不是啊，不是打白条，不差钱，有钱。喏。
小沈阳：啥意思？
赵本山：小费。
小沈阳：妈呀，大爷你真敞亮，你太帅了。
赵本山：给一百块钱还帅呢。我跟你说这不白给啊。一会儿客人到了，你一定要给足我面子，明白吗？我到点菜的时候，你得替我兜着点。
小沈阳：咋兜呢？
赵本山：既把面子给了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要点贵菜......　　
小沈阳：我就说没有呗。
赵本山：哎呀妈呀，你太厉害了。来来来，拿点。再给你30，来。
小沈阳：我跟你都明码的哦。
赵本山：谢谢。
小沈阳：放心吧。
毛毛：  爷爷，我有点饿了。
赵本山：饿了？来碗面条。
小沈阳：呃，78一碗。
赵本山：啥面？这么贵。
小沈阳：苏格兰打卤面。
赵本山：是不是卤子贵？
小沈阳：卤不要钱。
赵本山：那就来碗卤子，先尝尝咸淡。快去，快去。
小沈阳：妈呀，没这么上过呀。
赵本山：那是我没来，我要来，你早就这么上了。去吧去吧。
小沈阳：这老爷子，我要说面条不要钱，要面条了你还。

shenyang   you'll give me an iou?
uncle zhao  not that. i've got the money anyway. take this.
shenyang   what's it?
uncle zhao  a tip for you.
shenyang   you do understand people / things / the world, sir - you look cool!
uncle zhao  whut's a hundred yuan to me! still, you ain't get it for nothin'. when my guest c'mes, you put on a show with me. if i order expensive food, you should stop me doin' so.
shenyang   like how?
uncle zhao  showin' due respect for my guest, yes. spendin' too much on a meal, no. whut if i ask for somethin' dear?
shenyang   i'll say "sorry, this we don't have."
uncle zhao  you're smart. c'me, here's another 30 yuan.
shenyang   i'm not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.
uncle zhao  thank you, boy.
shenyang   nothing much.
yadar      grandpa, i'm hungry.
uncle zhao  how much's a bowl of noodles?
shenyang   78 yuan.
uncle zhao  whut noodles can be so expensive?
shenyang   scottish sauced noodles.
uncle zhao  does the sauce cost much, too?
shenyang   it's free.
uncle zhao  get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the taste's right. quick.
shenyang   that's no way to serve a meal, sir.
uncle zhao  you think so only becuse i didn't show up here before. now it's time to make s'me change.
shenyang   (to himself) had i said the noodles are free, he would've asked for noodles.

赵本山：来，站起来。跟你说，一会儿星光大道的毕老师来了，你一定要给我争个脸，好不？这是人生最好的一次机会，知道吗？爷爷培养了你，都已经四十多年了。
毛毛：  爷爷，我才多大。
赵本山：我还培养你爸三十多年呢。这不，你爸那是个半成品，我都给培养成文化站站长了。你一定要超过他，有决心吗？
毛毛：  有。
赵本山：表一下决心。
毛毛：  我指定：
　　　　洪湖水，浪打浪，
　　　　长江后浪推前浪，
　　　　一浪更比一浪强，
　　　　把我爹拍在沙滩上！
赵本山：有志向。
小沈阳：哎，来了。
赵本山：来，先把这卤子喝了，这孩子饿了。
毛毛：  爷爷，有点咸了。
赵本山：没事，给她整碗水去。
小沈阳：免费的水，不是？
赵本山：白开水就行。真够抠的。

uncle zhao  (to yadar) listen here, yadar. when mr. bi from cctv's starlight broadway c'mes, you must show you' best, ok? it's the best opport'nity for you' own future. grandpa's been preparin' you over the past 40-plus years.
yadar       grandpa, see how old i am now.
uncle zhao  i prepared you' daddy for 30 extra years. though he ain't good enough, he's the chief of the township's cultural center. so you really should outdo him. can you make it or not?
yadar       i can.
uncle zhao  swear if you're serious.
yadar       the yangtze river like the hong waters rolls on and on,
 each wave behind higher than the one at the front.
 young people are born to challenge their elders;
 i'll beach my daddy like... like a wrecked old ship.
uncle zhao  good for you / well said!
(shenyang enters again.)
shenyang    here's the sauce for you.
uncle zhao  (to yadar) eat this, so you won't be too hungry.
yadar       grandpa, it's a bit salty.
uncle zhao  (to shenyang) fetch her s'me water to drink.
shenyang    you mean free water?
uncle zhao  just plain boiled water, you miser.

（毕福剑上）
小沈阳： 哟，你不是那谁吗，你是那个......蒙住了。朱军？！不是朱军。白岩松？！不是。老毕......你是毕老师吗？！
毕福剑：我姓毕。
小沈阳：哎呀我的妈呀，毕老师来了。你咋出来了呢？哎呀我的妈呀，快来人啊，毕老师，一会儿该跑了。
赵本山：干啥，吵吵巴火的，让狼撵了咋的？
小沈阳：毕老师......
赵本山：我知道，这就是我要请的客人。
小沈阳：哎呀我的妈呀，毕老师，你给我照个相呗！
赵本山: 你先等一会儿。刚到是吧？
毕福剑：刚到，刚到。
赵本山：我在这儿等半天了。
毕福剑：你好你好。请问您是......？
赵本山：你找谁？
毕福剑：我找莲花乡文化站站长赵铁柱。
赵本山：找对了，这就是赵铁柱的爹，我是......
毛毛：  赵铁柱是我爹。
赵本山：我是赵铁柱的爹。你不是找爹吗？啊不，找就对了。
毕福剑：爹......不是，我找您儿子。
赵本山：他在乡里等你呢。啊呀，乡里布置得老隆重啊，乡长、书记都在那儿排队等你呢。布一个大厅，完事弄一个大房间，给你弄一个大照片挂中间，周围全是花呀。
毕福剑：老哥，这花都什么颜色？
赵本山：白的、黄的都有啊。很漂亮，真的。老百姓都拿笔等着，等得都哭啊，等你呢。
毕福剑：哭什么？
赵本山：这不激动吗，你去了。来吧，请......
毕福剑：咱去乡里吧。
赵本山：别介，乡里布置我，说先搁铁岭吃一顿，完事上那儿。你看吧。

(bi fujian, mc / anchorman of cctv's starlight broadway program, enters.)
shenyang   why, aren't you that one - zhujun! oh sorry. bai yansong? oh no. or a bi something! are you mr. bi?
cctv man  i'm bi fujian.
shenyang   come here everyone, it`s mr. bi here. (to cctv man) why are you hanging out here, sir? hurry up! come here! he can go elsewhere at any minute.
uncle zhao  whut the hell's going on? anythin' to be so fussy abut? you're being hounded by a wolf?
shenyang   he's mr. bi...
uncle zhao  i know, an' he's the guest i'm honored to keep comp'ny today.
shenyang   gosh, can i have a picture taken with you, mr. bi?
uncle zhao  (to shenyang) wait, wait. (to cctv man) welc'me, mr. bi.
cctv man  nice to meet you.
uncle zhao  i've been waitin' all this time for you.
cctv man  thanks a lot really. may i have your name please?
uncle zhao  which man did you expect to see?
cctv man  i'm looking for zhao tiezhu, chief of lotus township's cultural center.
uncle zhao  you got it. here's his daddy and i'm...
yadar       zhao tiezhu is my daddy.
uncle zhao  an' i'm tiezhu's daddy. aren't you lookin' for a dad... i mean it's right to be looking my way.
cctv man  hi, daddy... i mean buddy. so where's your son?
uncle zhao  he's at the township waitin' for you. local government officials all lining up, too, to pay their pious respects to you. with enormous care they've prepared a great hall, a big room, with a large photo of you hung in the middle. flowers all around.
cctv man  what're the colors of the flowers, buddy?
uncle zhao  they're all in white and yellow. lots of folks' waiting for you with signature pens in hands, tears spillin' all over.
cctv man  why's that?
uncle zhao  they're excited.
cctv man  let's go there, then.
uncle zhao  the center asked me to feast you here in town first. how abut that?

毕福剑：在这儿吃饭？
赵本山：这是铁岭最贵的，你来吧。
毕福剑：别别，大爷，不，老哥，我在飞机上吃了。
赵本山：那客随主便，好不好？给你怎么安排你就听话，来来。
小沈阳：毕老师，你不给照个相吗？毕老师。
毕福剑：你是男服务员？
小沈阳：嗯哪。
毕福剑：长得挺委婉的。
赵本山：我刚开始来就误会了，你说哪有这打扮，哎呀妈呀。坐，刚到是吧？
毕福剑：刚到，刚到。
赵本山：咱是老乡。
毕福剑：是吗？
赵本山：你不是大连人吗？
毕福剑：对对，大连人。
赵本山：你住哪儿？
毕福间  我住大连老鳖湾。
赵本山：哎呀妈呀，有亲戚，孩子她姥爷也在老鳖湾，也姓毕。
毕福剑：你姥爷叫毕什么？
毛毛：  毕门庭。
毕福剑：你姥爷打麻将肯定是高手。
赵福剑：咋的？
毕福剑：闭门听嘛。
赵本山：正好你叫闭门炮。

cctv man  why here?
uncle zhao  here we've got the best restaurant in tieling. do c'me this way please.
cctv man  but i've had my meal on the plane.
uncle zhao  you're my guest, so please follow my arrangements.
shenyang    a picture of the two of us, please.
cctv man  (to shenyang) you're... a male waiter?
shenyang    yup.
cctv man   you look awfully, awfully sweet, boy.
uncle zhao  i, too, took him to be a woman when i first came. how funny he is dressin' up like this? sit down here. did you enjoy your trip?
cctv man  yes, quite.
uncle zhao  we mus' be fellow townsmen.
cctv man   are we?
uncle zhao  ain`t you from dalian?
cctv man  sure.
uncle zhao  which part?
cctv man  old turtle bend.
uncle zhao  where her mummy's daddy used to live, too. so we're even relatives.
cctv man  (to yadar) what`s his name?
yadar       bi menting.
cctv man  your grandpa must be good at playing mahjong.
uncle zhao  why?
cctv man  the name sounds like a mahjong term.
uncle zhao  that matches you' nickname "bi mengpao," as you're a mahjong man you'self.

毕福剑：我叫毕福剑。
赵本山：这也是的，没准儿都......实在......哎呀，这一笑，你看看，多像你姥爷临走那张照片。
毛毛：  爷爷，你快看，不笑更像。
毕福剑：我今儿个躲不开了。
赵本山：孩子这一辈子，跟爷爷不行，就跟姥爷亲。姥爷临走把她哭完了。快认姥爷。
毛毛：  姥爷好。
毕福剑：别别别，起起......。大过年的，你要来这个，我得给你压岁钱了。
赵本山：不用，不用。哎呀，这家伙，来......
小沈阳：毕老师，你给我照个相呗。
赵本山：这没吃饭呢，你先揣起来。点菜，快点。
小沈阳：照完再点呗。
赵本山：点完再照。
小沈阳：要跑了呢？
赵本山：。谁跑啊？毕老师都低调来的，你别跟人这样说。她姥爷，这都......实在亲戚，你就点吧。
毕福剑： 不不不，咱随便吃点饭就可以了。您来，您来。
赵本山： 现在咱家都富了，农民生活跟过去不一样了。你就铆劲儿吃，你说吃能吃多少钱哪。我点。
毕福剑：随便来。
赵本山：澳洲鲍鱼四只。
小沈阳：对不起，没有。
毕福剑：算了，别点那么贵的。你往下来。
赵本山：四斤的龙虾。
小沈阳：对不起，没那么大的。

cctv man  just bi fujian.
uncle zhao  yeah, whut an... well, i'm really... (to yadar) look, he smiles like the last picture of you' dead grandpa.
yadar       look, even more like it when he doesn't.
cctv man  so i'm hopeless either way.
uncle zhao  the girl's much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me. sort of cried her heart out when he died. say hello to you' new grandpa.
yadar       (kneeling down / with a kowtow) how do you do, grandpa.
cctv man  don't, please. it`s spring festvial now, and i should've given you some gift money.
uncle zhao  don't bother with that, sir. you're indeed...
shenyang   we haven`t had our picture taken, sir.
uncle zhao  (to shenyang) we haven't ordered our dishes yet. put this damn' thing away. we'll see whut to eat first. c'me.
shenyang   just one picture, please.
uncle zhao  serve the meal first.
shenyang   what if he runs away after the meal?
uncle zhao  who will? mr. bi's a modest man, coming all his way from beijin' to give us folks a chance. don't you say a thing like that. (to cctv man) i'm whut they call a "country pumpkin," my dear in-law, not really knowin' how to treat a guest. so you please order the dishes.
cctv man  don't be too polite. you do it.
uncle zhao  now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before. eat as much as you want, it ain't gonna be a big deal anyway. please give me the menu.
cctv man   don't be extravagant, buddy.
uncle zhao   australian abalones, four.
shenyang    sorry, they're out of stock.
cctv man  too expensive anyway. let's move on down.
uncle zhao  lobsters of 2 kilos each.
shenyang    sorry, nothing that big.

赵本山：有多大的？
小沈阳：有一斤多的。
赵本山：一斤多的......有吗？
赵本山：有......还是没有啊？
赵本山：这个......我跟你说，有没有，这是你开的店呢，你还不明白？这不差钱。
小沈阳：哦......那没有。
毕福剑：下边我看看，鱼翅就更别点了。
赵本山： 鱼翅有也别吃了，我吃鱼翅有一回就卡住了，后来用馒头噎，用醋泡，都不好使，到医院用镊子拿出来的。不吃那玩意儿。
毕福剑： 他也没有。
赵本山： 你这酒店怎么要啥啥没有呢？干什么玩意儿吃的？这毕老师容易来一趟？把你老板找来
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：你就记住一个没有了，是不？老板。
小沈阳：啊，老板哪？老板出去了。
赵本山：上哪儿去了？
小沈阳：不知道。
赵本山：啥玩意儿呀你？你说吃啥呀？
毕福剑：来点儿家常便饭。民间的。
赵本山：民间的是吧？来民间的吧，孩子，来个小野鸡炖蘑菇。
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：这个可以有。
小沈阳：这个......真没有。

uncle zhao  whut kind do you have?
shenyang    half a kilo each.
uncle zhao  somethin' you really have?
shenyang    yes we do... or no?
uncle zhao  c'me on, boy, it's you take care of things here. don't you know whut you've got an' whut not? i'll ne'er shortchange you.
shenyang    so no, we haven't got lobsters.
cctv man  let me have a look. even less need for ordering shark's fin.
uncle zhao  i won't. once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my t'roat. i tried to remove it by swallowin' lumps of rice an' softenin' it with vinegar. it didn't work, though. i was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with s'me tweezers. so, sharp stuff jus' won't do.
cctv man  not included on the menu, anyway.
uncle zhao  this restaurant's got nothin' to serve. you've wasted you' chance to make customers happy. a disgrace to my greatest guest mr. bi. where's you' boss? get him here.
shenyang    no boss, sir.
uncle zhao  run out of a boss as well?
shenyang    well... the boss is out.
uncle zhao  where's he?
shenyang    no idea.
uncle zhao  whut the hell shall we have to eat, then?
cctv man  just something homely.
uncle zhao  all right, homely fare then. a lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms.
shenyang    i'm sorry, sir.
uncle zhao  that's whut you can have.
shenyang    something we really don't have.

赵本山：我给你带来了啊，咱有。来，丫蛋，把这拿来。哎呀，多亏带来了。
毕福剑：老哥......
赵本山：我是给你往北京带的，现在你拿不走了，赶紧得在这儿吃了。
毕福剑  野山鸡不能吃。
赵本山：这是家养的。都是野蘑菇。把这个炖了，高压锅啊，时间长点，来。好了，这儿有一个菜了。来，笨蛋。
小沈阳：你说谁笨蛋？！
赵本山：不是，我说再点个笨鸡蛋。
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：我有。这样......
毕福剑：老哥......
赵本山：这鸡蛋和大葱一炒。
毕福剑：你怎么下一趟饭店，材料都自己备？
赵本山：不是，他没有啊，问题是。给他钱都没处找去。几个菜了？俩了，这样吧，给你们点机会。毕老师来一回，你们饭店表示不？
小沈阳： 赠送一个呗。哎呀妈呀，大爷你咋这么抠呢？你说你一个没点，完了我们还得搭一个，啊？
赵本山：我说小伙子，咱们不是一个没点。我点完之后，鲍鱼、龙虾你都没有。
小沈阳：有没有，你心里还没数吗？
赵本山：我有啥数，你不是说没有吗？
小沈阳： 别说话了。一说万一要有，咋整啊？
赵本山： 你到底有没有？这差钱还是咋的？

uncle zhao  all right, serve the one we brought. get it here, yadar. lucky we didn't c'me with empty hands.
cctv man  no, buddy...
uncle zhao  i thought you could take it back to beijin'. as you can't, we might as well finish it up here an' now.
cctv man  pheasants are forbidden for consumption.
uncle zhao  this one's grown at home. cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till they're th'roughly done. so far we've got one dish ready. c'me here, dumb bell.
shenyang   what did you say?
uncle zhao  i mean plus a dumb egg.
shenyang    we don't have any, sir!
uncle zhao  i do. all right...
cctv man  buddy...
uncle zhao  stir-fry the eggs with the green onions.
cctv man  why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant?
uncle zhao  they've got no stuff like this here. not even if you're willin' to pay. see, we've got two dishes in all an' that's fine! (to shenyang) now i'm givin' you a chance to show you're truly hospitable, with mr. bi here.
shenyang   we'll serve one dish for free. you're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!
uncle zhao  i did place my order, boy. but whut did you have, abalones or lobsters?
shenyang   is it up to me to say yes?
uncle zhao  is it up to me, then? how ridiculous!
shenyang   cut it out, sir. if i say yes, who knows what'll happen next?
uncle zhao  have you got the things or not? not that i ain't get the money.

小沈阳：我知道大爷不差钱。我的意思，毕老师好容易来一回，咱吃喝不能在乎钱，大爷。你看我今年岁数小，但是我总结了，人这一生其实可短暂了，有时候一想，跟睡觉是一样一样的。眼睛一闭，一睁，一天过去了；眼睛一闭，不睁，这辈子就过去了。
毕福剑：小伙子，精辟。
赵本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。
小沈阳：大爷，我没别的意思。
赵本山：你啥意思？
小沈阳：我的意思，人不能把钱看得太重了。钱乃身外之物。人生最痛苦的事情，你知道是什么？
赵本山：嗯？
小沈阳：人死了，钱没花了。
赵本山：人这一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么吗？
小沈阳：啥呀？
赵本山：是人活着呢，钱没了。不差钱，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。
小沈阳：哎，好嘞。
赵本山：这孩子。
小沈阳：这一天......这也太抠了。
赵本山：他姥爷，这菜呢，得做一会儿。你看看丫蛋来了，这孩子从小就是一身的艺术细菌哪。
毕福剑：艺......艺术细胞。
赵本山：给看看，能不能上你的大道。
毕福剑：她......
赵本山：才艺，那是了不得。
毕福剑：老哥，我弄明白了，你今天截我到这儿来，就是为了让您孙女上我们《星光大道》。
赵本山：可不是嘛，它有这么个关系。
毕福剑：哦，那她都......会点什么？
赵本山：来吧，给姥爷表示表示。服务员，拿麦克。有卡拉ok的麦克吗？拿来。站好了。

shenyang   this i know, sir, but with mr. bi here, perhaps only for once, can't you stop being so stingy? i am still young, but i see life can be so very short, it sometimes is much the same as taking a sleep. eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole day is over. eyes closed but never opened again - then your whole life is over.
cctv man  that`s wit! / what a master of wit!
uncle zhao  not wit, he's a waiter. / to me, he jus' stings like shit!
shenyang    i didn't mean to offend you, sir.
uncle zhao  then whut did you mean?
shenyang   one shouldn't set too much stock on money. what good can it do, really? the most scary part of it all, sir, is to die leaving your money unused.
uncle zhao  whut's more scary...
shenyang   yeah?
uncle zhao  ... is to be left living with you' money gone. don't worry, boy. if you play your part well, i'll pay you well.
shenyang   do as you please.
uncle zhao  go ahead.
shenyang   (to himself) what a day... just too stingy.
(shenyang exits again.)
uncle zhao  (to cctv man) preparin' the dishes would take s'me time, sir. here's yadar, my granddaughter. they all call her yadar. she started showin' promise to be art'ritis when very young.
cctv man  you mean an artist.
uncle zhao  please test her to see whether she's good enough for you' broadway.
cctv man  can she...
uncle zhao  whut can she do, right? no problem!
cctv man  now i see. you got me stuck here so your granddaughter can get into my program.
uncle zhao  oh yeah, that's it.
cctv man  what exactly can she do?
uncle zhao  yadar, show grandpa bi whut you can do. waiter, give us a mike for a karaoke show.
(shenyang enters for a third time.)
uncle zhao  (to yadar) stand over there.

毕福剑：那就这样吧，照我们的规矩来。
赵本山：来，你啥规矩？
毕福剑：来，自报家门。
赵本山：瞅前边就行了，别紧张。就搁哪儿来的。说。
毛毛：  我是来自大城市铁岭莲花池水沟子的，我名字叫丫蛋。今天，我心情非常地冲动，今夜阳光明媚，今夜多云转晴。
小沈阳：妈呀，报天气预报哪？嘻嘻。
赵本山：你别跟她说，她说的是心情。别着急。
毕福剑：继续，继续。
毛毛：  我心情从多云转晴了。这是为什么呢？因为我找到我姥爷了，我姥爷太好了，他能带我上溜光大道。
毕福剑：《星光大道》。
赵本山：《星光大道》。
毛毛：  上《星光大道》。我非常感谢我姥爷能给我这次机会，我太感谢你了。如果你真的把我领上道儿，我就感谢你八辈祖宗，我......代表八辈祖宗感谢你。忘不了你对我的大恩大德，我这辈子也不会忘记你，我做鬼都不会放过你。
毕福剑：姥爷，不，她爷，怎么越听这话，我越瘆得慌。
赵本山：孩子就是......啥意思？就是想报复你。
毕福剑：报复？
赵本山：啊不，报恩，报销嘛。报答，知恩图报，等出息了不能忘了姥爷。唱吧。唱。
毕福剑：能唱歌？
赵本山：唱李谷一的《青藏高原》。
毛毛：  那歌是李娜的。
赵本山：爱谁谁的，你唱。

cctv man  according to our rules...
uncle zhao  whut're they?
cctv man  (to yadar) ... you shall introduce yourself first.
uncle zhao  look right ahead, honey. start from the beginnin'. don`t be nervous.
yadar       i'm from the lotus pond valley of the big tieling city. my name's yadar. today i'm so incited. tonight it's so sunny, turning from cloudy to clear.
shenyang    (giggling) what're you doing, reporting on the weather?
uncle zhao  don't laugh at her. she's talkin' about how she feels.
cctv man  go on.
yadar       my feeling's changed from cloudy to sunny. because - because i've found my grandpa. grandpa's great, he can take me to the star splashed walkway.
cctv man  starlight broadway.
uncle zhao  starlight broadway.
yadar       broadway or whatever, i'm grateful to grandpa for this chance. i'll be very thankful if you can take me to your broadway. i'll thank your ancestors... i mean i'll thank you on behalf of my own ancestors of long, long years ago. i won't forget this great favor you've done me. i owe this new life of mine to you. i'll go on chasing you even after i die to become a ghost.
cctv man  (to uncle zhao) grandpa... i mean you. the way she spoke sort of upset me.
uncle zhao  eh... i guess she jus' wants to revenge you...
cctv man  is that so?
uncle zhao  no, i mean to repay you. or reimburse you or whute'er. one should repay those who've generously helped him or her. when the girl becomes famous, she really shouldn`t forget you. (to yadar) go ahead and sing.
cctv man  can she sing a song?
uncle zhao  sing "the qinghai-tibetan / qingzang plateau" by li guyi.
yadar       it`s by li na.
uncle zhao  whoe'er it is.

（毛毛现场演唱《青藏高原》。）
毛毛：  "是谁带来远古的呼唤？
         是谁留下千年的期盼......"
赵本山：中间的不用唱了，最后那个。哦哟啦，那个。
毛毛：  "......那就是青藏高原。"
毕福剑：年龄不大，嗓门真高。
赵本山：来来，再长一个调儿。"那就......"。
毛毛：  爷爷，卤子有点吃咸了。
（小沈阳忍俊不禁）
毕福剑：好好。
赵本山：还有呢？后面连哭带唱的。
毕福剑：等一下。
赵本山：连哭带说。
毕福剑：老哥，我问一下，连哭带说是什么节目？
赵本山：就后面"我家庭怎么困难，怎么不容易"那段。
毕福剑：不不，那叫获奖感言。《星光大道》都是真人真事。你这还没有上北京，没参加《星光大道》，就获奖感言了。
赵本山：这关系，另外这条件，她不获奖能行吗？他姥爷在这儿，我还没底吗？来来来，哭，哭。这孩子可厉害了。差仨数，她马上就哭。一、二、三--哭！
毛毛：  咋哭？
赵本山：哭啊，丫蛋，在家哭那么快，真完蛋了。
毛毛：  明儿也哭不出来。
赵本山：不跟姥爷有感情吗？来，看姥爷，姥爷照片在这儿。
毛毛：  呜呜，嘻嘻，嘻嘻。
赵本山：完蛋了，笑什么！
毛毛：  太有了意思了，哪照片呀这。
毕福剑：不说了，不说了。才艺很不错，唱得很不错。

yadar       (starting to sing)
            "ah, who brings here the earnest call of remote antiquity?
            ah, who leaves behind the expectations of the millennium?"
uncle zhao  skip the middle part and move on to the final climax. (trying to imitate) yo-la-la. see?
yadar       "...that's qinghai-tibetan / qingzang plateau,
　　　　　　the highland of my soul!"
cctv man  what a high pitch you've got for your age.
uncle zhao  push higher up. like this.
yadar       grandpa, the sauce's hurt my voice a bit.
(shenyang giggles again)
cctv man  (to yadar) that's enough.
uncle zhao  next, the game of ravin' in tears after the show.
cctv man  wait a minute.
uncle zhao  gabbling between sobs.
cctv man  what exactly?
uncle zhao  like "i'm from a poor family an' life's been extra hard for me."
cctv man  not that yet. hold it off till after she's got an award in beijing. the starlight broadway's about what people actually experience in real life. they're not supposed to act things out beforehand.
uncle zhao  see whut support she's got an' how truly marvelous she is at singin'? it'd be funny if she goes there without winnin'! with you her grandpa here, i've got nothin' to worry about. (to yadar) c'me on, yadar. show grandpa bi how you cry. (back to cctv man) the girl's fantastic. you only count to t'ree and she'll sure break down. (back to yadar) one, two, t'ree - cry!
yadar       i can't.
uncle zhao  jus' do it, yadar. you bring tears to you' eyes damn' fast back home.
yadar       even by daybreak tomorrow i still won't make it.
uncle zhao  ain't you love your dead grandpa? look, his photo's right here.
(yadar tries to cry out but laughs instead)
uncle zhao  that's gonna finish me! why the hell are you sniggering, yadar?
yadar       it`s so funny... what kind of a photo is that?
cctv man  (to uncle zhao) be patient, buddy. (to yadar) remarkable talent and truly impressive delivery.

小沈阳：这就不错啊？哎呀妈呀，这样能上的话，我也能上。
赵本山：往哪上啊你！快上菜去。
小沈阳：我上《星光大道》呗。
赵本山：上啥大道？你上炕都费劲。
小沈阳：毕老师好不容易来一回，让我展示一下，我也会唱。
赵本山：哪有时间听。知道吗？这都艺术圈的事，你一个服务员，唱啥唱啊？
小沈阳：你让我唱一个呗。
赵本山：不让你唱。
小沈阳：不让我唱，我就不给你上菜。
赵本山：你不给我上菜，我找你老板去。
赵本山：你找我老板，我把你交代我的事说出来。
赵本山：你要说......他指定比唱的好。
毕福剑：你还是说，还是自报家门。
小沈阳：其实，毕老师，我的命运(敏感词语)跟她是一样的，我也有一个姓毕的姥爷。
赵本山：你拉倒吧，用不着，别套了，你该唱唱你的。你闹心不闹心！
毕福剑：好了，不打断，不打断。小伙子，你会点什么呢？
小沈阳：我会模仿秀。
毕福剑：模仿谁？
小沈阳：模仿刘欢老师。
毕福剑：刘欢老师那一出？
小沈阳：《我和你》。

shenyang   do you call that remarkable? if she can go there, so can i.
uncle zhao  where to?
shenyang   to the starlight broadway.
uncle zhao  creep way back to you' stinkin' brick bed!
shenyang   since mr. bi's here, please give me a chance to try. i can sing, too.
uncle zhao  who's got the time to listen? whut's more, whut do you know about matters of art? a waiter's a waiter, after all.
shenyang    let me sing.
uncle zhao  nope.
shenyang    if you don't let me sing, i won't serve you the meal.
uncle zhao  if you don't serve me the meal, i'll get you' boss here.
shenyang    if you get my boss here, i'll speak to him about what's up your sleeves.
uncle zhao  if you speak... i know you speak better than you sing.
cctv man  (to shenyang) well, say something about yourself first.
shenyang    i share a similar fate with her, with a grandpa by the same family name of bi.
uncle zhao  whut's wrong with you, tryin' to curry favor like this? sing your stupid song, or go an' suck you' mom.
cctv man  please don't interrupt him. what're you good at, young man?
shenyang    i can do a mock show.
cctv man  whom can you mock?
shenyang    mr. liu huan.
cctv man  which song of his?
shenyang   "you and me."

赵本山：你自个儿唱，这刚下飞机，累这样，跟你唱？
毕福剑：不是他和我唱。
赵本山：搁我更不唱了。
毕福剑：老哥，跟你解释一下，这是一首歌的名儿，叫"我和你"。
小沈阳：我给毕老师唱一个。嗯哼哼哼。
       "我和你，心连心，
　　　　同住地球......"。
　　　　哎呀妈呀，我把唱词给忘了好像。
赵本山：拉倒吧，你唱跑偏了，你这裤子就穿跑偏了，你就是个跑偏的人。
小沈阳：激动啦。
赵本山：你上菜去吧。
小沈阳：我再重唱一个吧。毕老师，我再重唱一个行吗？
赵本山：唱啥？
小沈阳：我唱个刀郎的吧。
赵本山：拉倒吧，你唱个屎壳郎的吧。
毕福剑：老哥，"刀郎"不是一个昆虫的名字，它是一个人名儿，叫刀郎。歌手的名字。
小沈阳：刀郎的声音是沧桑的感觉。
       "2002年的第一场雪，
　　　　比以往时候来得更晚些......"
毕福剑：你再来一个。你还会唱谁的？
小沈阳：我还会唱《星光大道》走出的那个阿宝。
毕福剑：阿宝的嗓门可高。
小沈阳：接下来，我给毕老师唱一个陕北民歌，"山丹丹开花红艳艳"。
　　    "山丹丹的那个开花哟，
　　　　红咯艳艳咯鲜。
　　    毛主席呀领导咱们打江山，
　　    毛主席呀领导咱......"
　　　　起高了！

uncle zhao  do it alone, won't you? mr. bi's tired from his trip. how can he sing with you!
cctv man  no, not me.
uncle zhao  me, then? no way.
cctv man  "you and me," you see, is a song's name.
shenyang    now i'll try. mm-hum-hum... (starts to sing)
　　　　　　"you and me, from one world,
　　　　　　we are family... "
　　　　　　did i lose my words? what a shame!
uncle zhao  you've lost you' tune. say, whut mock show is this? it's more like a monkey show. look at that empty trouser.
shenyang    just too excited.
uncle zhao  go get the food.
shenyang    can i try another song? oh please, mr. bi.
uncle zhao  which one?
shenyang    the song by daolang, a chinese pop singer as counter-cultural as the british beatles.
uncle zhao  pooh, a dung beetle song it's gonna be.
cctv man  beatles is the name of a rock group, not that of an insect.
shenyang   daolang's voice is bleak and desolate. (starts to sing)
           "the first snow of 2002
           falls somewhat later than usual... "
cctv man  encore! any other song at your beck and call?
shenyang   i can also mock a bao, a singer made popular through your program.
cctv man  the guy with a high-pitched voice.
shenyang   next, i'll sing a northern shaanxi folksong, "wild morningstar lilies." (starts to sing)
           "wild morningstar lilies bloom
           like a passionate prairie fire;
           mao zedong leads us in our fight
           to liberate all suffering people.
           mao zedong leads us in our fight... "
           i started too high.

毕福剑： 冲着点。
小沈阳： "......打江山！"
毕福剑：你，叫什么名字？
小沈阳：我的中文名字叫小沈阳。
毕福剑：还有外国名字？
小沈阳： xiao shenyang。
毕福剑：叫什么？
赵本山：没听明白吗？英文名字叫"小损样"。
毕福剑：小伙子，你是哪儿人？
小沈阳：莲花乡的。
毕福剑：是莲花乡的？
小沈阳： 对呀。
毕福剑： 老哥，你儿子让我找的小沈阳，就是他。
小沈阳：是我吗？
毕福剑：你明天跟我一起去趟北京，上《星光大道》，好吗？
小沈阳：谢谢毕老师。哎呀妈呀，太激动啦。
赵本山：他姥爷，这孩子你看你......这都实在亲戚。另外，这些东西我都给你炖了。你不给我面子，也得给她姥爷面子。再不行让他姥爷亲自跟你说说？
毕福剑：别别。我想知道她的......她有名儿吗？
赵本山：不是有名儿没名儿。我不是推荐她，她挺有名气的。你上搜狐网上，你看看新闻，点击率老高了，哇哇的，就（是）那个丫蛋。
毕福剑：哦，搜狐网上说的丫蛋就是她？
赵本山：就是她嘛。

cctv man  keep it up. go!
shenyang    "...to liberate all suffering people!"
cctv man  bravo! so what's your name?
shenyang    my chinese stage name's xiao shenyang, combining my own surname "shen" with part of my wife's personal name.
cctv man  also got a foreign name?
shenyang    ciao shenyang.
uncle zhao  see? his english name's shorth sorryankee.
cctv man  where're you from?
shenyang    lotus township.
cctv man  oh, yes?
shenyang    yes.
cctv man  (to uncle zhao) he's the one your son referred me here to.
shenyang    is that me?
cctv man  please go to beijing with me tomorrow for a new section of the starlight broadway, would you?
shenyang    thank you so much, mr. bi. i... i just can't believe it!
uncle zhao  my dear in-law, i'm a bit clumsy with words but my dishes are still bein' cooked there for you. it's ok if you think nothin' of me, but do please show s'me mercy on the girl's poor dead grandpa. or shall i ask him to talk to you face to face?
cctv man   oh, no. tell me if she's famous enough in these parts?
uncle zhao  that ain't abut it. no matter whut, i ain't praisin' her for nothin'. as a matter of fact, she's famous far an' wide. you can surf the sohu for news abut her - the click rate is just fuckin' high. the girl with the cyber name "yadar" is her.
cctv man   so she's the yadar netizens're talking so much about?
uncle zhao   sure.

毕福剑：太好了。你马上上菜，今天这顿饭我包了，我请客。丫蛋，你明天跟着大哥一起去北京，上《星光大道》。你们搞一个组合，就叫"不差钱"。
毛毛：  我也能去了？
毕福剑：可以啊。
毛毛：  谢谢姥爷。
小沈阳：谢谢姥爷。
赵本山：我跟你说，毕老师，你们《星光大道》不是百姓舞台吗？谁都可以参与嘛。他们都要了，把我也接收得了呗。
毕福剑：搜狐网上也有您的名字？
赵本山：你点一下试试呗。另外，我有个重要秘密没跟您透露。
毕福剑：什么秘密？
赵本山：其实我姥爷也姓毕。
（演员谢幕）

cctv man   fantastic! (to shenyang) serve the meal quick. it's going to be my treat today - i'll pay the bill. and yadar, you go off to beijing tomorrow along with shenyang, and join the rest of us there at starlight broadway. the two of you shall team up and prepare a comic piece with the title "got the money anyway."
yadar       can i really go?
cctv man  of course.
yadar       thank you, grandpa.
shenyang    thank you, grandpa.
uncle zhao  dear in-law, i know the starlight broadway's a stage for common people to play on. if you can take the two youngsters with you, why can't you take me too?
cctv man  are you famous, too, on the internet?
uncle zhao  you can click an' see. an' there's a little secret i haven't told you yet.
cctv man  what's it?
uncle zhao  my maternal grandpa, too, was surnamed bi.
(the entire cast exeunt after courteously bowing to the audience.)

(translated by wang weidong and hu sai)