离婚人士的五条婚姻忠告
Divorce's Guide To Marriage
来源：华尔街日报    2012-08-06

        Want great marriage advice? Ask a divorced person.        
        People who lose the most important relationship of their life tend to spend some time thinking about what went wrong. If they are at all self-reflective, this means they will acknowledge their own mistakes, not just their ex's blunders. And if they want to be lucky in love next time, they'll try to learn from these mistakes.        
        Research shows that most divorced people identify the same top five regrets─behaviors they believe contributed to their marriage's demise and that they resolve to change next time. 'Divorced individuals who step back and say, 'This is what I've done wrong and this is what I will change,' have something powerful to teach others,' says Terri Orbuch, a psychologist, research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research and author of the new book 'Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.' 'This is marriage advice learned the hard way,' she says         
        Dr. Orbuch has been conducting a longitudinal study, funded by the National Institutes of Health, collecting data periodically from 373 same-race couples who were between the ages of 25 and 37 and in their first year of marriage in 1986, the year the study began. Over the continuing study's 25 years so far, 46% of the couples divorced─a rate in line with the Census and other national data. Dr. Orbuch followed many of the divorced individuals into new relationships and asked 210 of them what they had learned from their mistakes. (Of these 210, 71% found new partners, including 44% who remarried.) This is their hard-earned advice.        
        Boost your spouse's mood         
        Of the divorced people, 15% said they would give their spouse more of what Dr. Orbuch calls 'affective affirmation,' including compliments, cuddling and kissing, hand-holding, saying 'I love you,' and emotional support. 'By expressing love and caring you build trust,' Dr. Orbuch says.         
        She says there are four components of displays of affection that divorced people said were important: How often the spouse showed love; how often the spouse made them feel good about the kind of person they are; how often the spouse made them feel good about having their own ideas and ways of doing things; and how often the spouse made life interesting or exciting. 
        The divorced individuals didn't specifically identify sex as something they would have approached differently, although Dr. Orbuch says it is certainly one aspect of demonstrating love and affection.          
        Men seem to need nonsexual affirmation even more than women do, Dr. Orbuch says. In her study, when the husband reported that his wife didn't show love and affection, the couple was almost twice as likely to divorce as when the man said he felt cared for and appreciated. The reverse didn't hold true, though. Couples where women felt a lack of affection weren't more likely to divorce.         
        Do something to demonstrate that your partner is noticed and appreciated every single day, Dr. Orbuch says. It can be as small as saying, 'I love you,' or 'You're a great parent.' It can be an action rather than words: Turn on the coffee pot in the morning. Bring in the paper. Warm up the car. Make a favorite dessert. Give a hug.        
        Talk more about money           
        Money was the No. 1 point of conflict in the majority of marriages, good or bad, that Dr. Orbuch studied. And 49% of divorced people from her study said they fought so much over money with their spouse─whether it was different spending styles, lies about spending, one person making more money and trying to control the other─that they anticipate money will be a problem in their next relationship, too.        
        There isn't a single financial fix for all couples. Dr. Orbuch says each person needs to examine his or her own approach to money. What did money mean when you were growing up? How do you approach spending and saving now? What are your financial goals?       
        Partners need to discuss their individual money styles and devise a plan they both can live with. They might decide to pool their money, or keep separate accounts. They might want a joint account for family expenses. In the study, six out of 10 divorced individuals who began a new relationship chose not to combine finances.          
        'Talk money more often─not just when it's tax time, when you have high debt, when bills come along,' Dr. Orbuch says. Set ground rules and expectations and stick to them.           
        Get over the past     
        To engage in a healthy way with your partner, you need to let go of the past, Dr. Orbuch says.          
        This includes getting over jealousy of your partner's past relationships, irritation at how your mother-in-law treats you, something from your own childhood that makes it hard for you to trust, a spat you had with your spouse six months ago.         
        It isn't good advice just for those with broken hearts, she adds.       
        In Dr. Orbuch's study, divorced individuals who held on to strong emotions for their ex-spouse─whether love or hate─were less healthy than those people who had moved on emotionally.          
        Having trouble letting go of anger, longing, sadness or grief about the past? Keep a journal. Exercise. Talk to a friend (but not endlessly) about it.          
        Or try writing to the person who has upset you to explain your feelings: 'Dear Mother-in-Law. It's about time you treated me like a full-fledged member of this family and stopped second-guessing my parenting decisions.'          
        Then take the excellent advice Abraham Lincoln is said to have given his secretary of war, who had written an emotional missive to one of his generals.         
        'Put it in the stove,' Lincoln said. 'That's what I do when I've written a letter when I am angry.'          
        'This is an exercise for you, to get all the emotions out on paper so you can release them,' Dr. Orbuch says.        
        Blame the relationship         
        The divorced individuals in the study who blamed ex-spouses, or even themselves, had more anxiety, depression and sleep disorders than individuals who blamed the way that they and their partners interacted. Those who held on to anger were less likely to move on, build a strong new relationship and address future problems in a positive, proactive manner.          
        It's hard not to blame. In the study, 65% of divorced individuals blamed their ex-spouses, with more women blaming an ex-husband (80%) than men blaming an ex-wife (47%). And 16% of men blamed themselves, compared with only 4% of women. Dr. Orbuch says the men may simply accept their ex's view of the breakup. More men than women admitted to an extramarital affair.           
        How do you blame in a healthy way? Say 'we,' not 'you' or 'I.' Say, 'We are both so tired lately,' not 'You are so crabby.' When you remove blame, it's easier to come up with a solution.         
        Ask your partner for his or her view of a problem. Say, 'Why do you think we aren't getting along?'       
        'There are multiple ways of seeing a problem,' Dr. Orbuch says. 'By getting your partner's perspective, and marrying it with your perspective, you get the relationship perspective.'         
        Reveal more about yourself         
        Communication style is the No. 1 thing the study's divorced individuals said they would change in the next relationship (41% said they would communicate differently).       
        Spouses need to speak in a calm and caring voice. They should learn to argue in a way that produces a solution, not just more anger.         
        They have to practice 'active listening,' where they try to hear what the other person is saying, repeating back what they just heard and asking if they understood correctly.         
        To communicate well, partners need to reveal more about themselves, not just do 'maintenance communication.'        
        'It doesn't have to be emotional,' Dr. Orbuch says. 'But it should be about issues where you learn about what makes each other tick.' Such topics help your partner understand you better.          
        Dr. Orbuch suggests a 10-minute rule: Every day, for 10 minutes, the couple should talk alone about something other than work, the family and children, the household, the relationship. No problems. No scheduling. No logistics.        
        'You need to tell each other about your lives and see what makes you each tick,' Dr. Orbuch says.         

　　想要好的婚姻建议？问问离过婚的人吧。
　　婚姻关系是人一生中最重要的关系。失去它的人往往会花些时间思索到底是哪里出了问题。如果他们真的会自我反省，就意味着他们会承认自己的错误，而不是责怪前任。如果他们希望在下一段恋爱关系中有好运气，就会努力从这些错误中吸取教训。 
　　研究表明，大多数离过婚的人都会最后悔同样的五件事──也就是他们认为导致婚姻结束并决心下次改过的行为。密歇根大学社会研究所（University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research）研究教授及心理学家、新书《再寻真爱：六个简单步骤教你找到新的美满婚姻》（Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship）的作者奥布奇（Terri Orbuch）说，“有些离过婚的人会退一步思考，然后说‘这是我做错的事情，这是我会改正的地方’，他们有非常有用的东西可以教给别人。”她说，“这是来之不易的婚姻建议。” 

　　在美国国立卫生研究院（National Institutes of Health）的资助下，奥布奇从1986年开始一直在从事一项纵向研究，定期从373名年龄在25至27岁、当年结婚的同族夫妇那里收集数据。在迄今为止25年的持续研究中，46%的夫妇离婚了，这与人口普查及其他全国性数据是一致的。奥布奇跟踪研究了许多开始新的恋爱关系的离婚者，询问其中210人从自己的错误中学到了什么。（在这210人中，71%找到了新的伴侣，其中44%再婚。）以下是他们辛苦得来的经验和忠告： 

　　振奋另一半的情绪

　　15%的离婚者说他们今后会给伴侣更多奥布奇博士所说的“情感肯定”，包括赞扬、拥抱亲吻、牵手、说“我爱你”以及情感支持。奥布奇说，通过表达爱意和关心可以建立信任。

　　她说，离过婚的人认为情感表达有四个因素很重要：伴侣表达爱意的频率；让另一半感觉自我良好的频率；让另一半对其想法和做事方式感觉良好的频率；以及让生活充满乐趣或激情的频率。
这些离过婚的人没有特别提到自己应当以不同的方式对待性生活，但奥布奇说，这肯定是表达爱意和情感的一个方面。
　　奥布奇说，男性似乎比女性更需要与性无关的肯定。在她的研究中，丈夫称妻子没有表达爱意和情感的夫妇的离婚率是丈夫表示感到被关爱和被欣赏的夫妇的近两倍。而反之则不然，女方感到缺乏爱意的夫妇离婚率并没有更高。
　　奥布奇说，做点什么来证明你的伴侣每天都得到了你的关注和欣赏吧。可以小到说句“我爱你”或者“你是个好家长”。可以用行动代替语言：比如清晨打开咖啡壶的开关，把报纸拿进来，热车，做一道对方最喜欢的甜点，或者给对方一个拥抱。 

　　更多地谈论金钱问题

　　在奥布奇所研究的夫妇中，无论婚姻好坏，金钱都是大多数婚姻中的头号矛盾点。研究中49%的离婚人士说，他们和另一半为了钱吵得太厉害了──要么是花钱方式不同，要么是在花钱方面撒谎，要么是其中一个人赚钱更多试图控制对方──他们都认为在下一段婚姻关系中钱仍然会是个问题。 
　　解决金钱问题没有适用所有夫妇的万应灵药。奥布奇说，每个人都需要审视自己对待金钱的方式。成长过程中金钱对你意味着什么？现在你对花钱和储蓄是什么看法？你的财务目标是什么？ 
　　伴侣双方需要讨论各自的花钱风格，并设计出双方都能接受的规划。他们可以决定把钱合起来或单独开立账户，或者设立一个用于家庭开支的共同账户。在该项研究中，五分之三已经开始新的恋爱关系的离婚者都选择将财务分开。
　　奥布奇说，要更多地谈论金钱问题──不光是要交税的时候，债台高筑的时候，账单来了的时候。设定基本规则和预期，然后坚持执行。

　　不要计较过去 
　　奥布奇说，想要和伴侣以健康的方式相处，就要放下过去。
这包括不要为伴侣过去的恋爱关系吃醋，不要为岳母对待你的方式而懊恼，不要纠结于童年时期某些导致你难以信任别人的事情，忘掉六个月前和伴侣的那次争吵。 

　　她说，这不光是给那些伤心者的好建议。 

　　在奥布奇的研究中，对前任有强烈情感──无论是爱还是恨──的离婚者没有在情感上放下过去的人健康。 难以放弃对过去的愤怒、渴望、悲痛或忧伤？那就写日记，锻炼身体，或者向朋友倾诉（但不要无休无止）。
　　或者可以试着给让你伤心的那个人写信，说明你的感受：“亲爱的岳母，现在该是您把我当成家庭的正式一分子、不要再批评我如何教育子女的时候了。”
　　接着按照据说是亚伯拉罕・林肯（Abraham Lincoln）送给他的战争部长的建议去做。这位部长写了一封很情绪化的信件给他的一个将军。 
　　林肯说，把它扔进火炉里，我生气时写完信就这么做。
　　奥布奇说，这是一种练习，把所有的情感都写在纸上，这样就能释放出来。
 
　　埋怨要讲究方法 

　　在这项研究中，责怪前任甚至自己的离婚者比那些责怪自己与伴侣互动方式的人有更多的焦虑、抑郁和失眠症状。放不下愤怒情绪的人继续新生活的可能性较小，也较难建立新的牢固的恋爱关系，也无法以积极主动的方式解决未来的问题。
　　做到不埋怨很难。在这项研究中，责怪前任的离婚者有65%，责怪前夫的女性（80%）多于责怪前妻的男性（47%）。16%的男性责怪自己，而责怪自己的女性只有4%。奥布奇说，男性可能会欣然接受前任对分手的看法。承认婚外情的男性多于女性。
　　如何才能以健康的方式责备对方呢？应该说“我们”而不是“你”或“我”，要说“最近我们都太累了”而不是“你脾气太坏了”。当你不再埋怨时，找出解决办法就会容易得多。
　　询问你的伴侣对某个问题有何看法。比如“你觉得我们为什么没办法好好相处？” 
　　奥布奇说，看问题有很多方法，了解伴侣的视角，再结合自己的视角，就能看清楚整个婚姻关系。 
敞开心扉更多地展示自己 
　　沟通方式是该研究中的离婚者表示在下一段关系中最愿意改变的东西（41%的人说他们会以不同的方式进行沟通）。 
　　夫妻双方需要用平静和关爱的声音说话。他们应该学会以一种能够达成解决办法而不是制造更多愤怒的方式来争论。 
　　他们需要练习“积极聆听”，也就是努力聆听对方所说的话，重复自己刚听到的话，问对方自己是否理解正确。
　　要想良好地沟通，双方需要更多地展现自己，而不要只做“维护式沟通”。 
奥布奇说，沟通时不必满怀情感，但应该集中在可以揣摩出对方心思的问题上。这类话题会帮助伴侣更深入地了解你。
　　奥布奇提出了一个10分钟法则：每天拿出10分钟时间，夫妻双方单独讨论工作、家庭孩子、家务和婚姻关系以外的话题。不谈问题，不谈日程安排，不谈家务。 

　　奥布奇说，你需要把自己的生活讲给对方听，彼此了解对方的心思。